Thursday, January 5, 2012
When I grew up I was raised to never ask for anything I wanted, matter of fact to do so had some pretty nasty consequences most of the time. I remember being about 5 years old and asking my foster mother for a candybar in a store. Instead of just telling me "no", she decided to very loudly ask me if I really needed this or if I only wanted it. Of course I was raised to tell the truth as well and so I responded that no I didn't really need it but I really wanted it. This earned me a scowling and a reminder that I would get what I needed but shouldn't bother her with things I wanted. Tears were not an option either (evenso they were very close to the front) since that would have made her look bad. For some reason this old woman (yes she was older - sixty years older than me as a fact) never seemed to realize that the tears wouldn't have made a difference. She made herself look bad by her public drama and behavior.
Moving forward. Over the years this lesson in not ever asking for anything I want and only asking for what I need was reinforced and deepened by her. I learned that if you couldn't provide for yourself you had no right to ask for anything extra. If you wanted something extra you should be able to do it yourself or not have it at all. I never went without the things I needed, there was always food for me to eat, a roof over my head and clothe on my body. I always had schooling and a decent bed to sleep in. So no I was not being neglected or abused. She was just as much a "victim" of her up bringing since that is what she had been taught as a child. She simply passed it on. Remember that times were a lot harder when she was a child and she had lived through the WW2 era as well. When you read what I wrote it would be easy to feel anger, but you have to take it in perspective. She didn't mean to be cruel, she simply didn't know any better.
In many ways it was a blessing and a curse for me so. The blessing came in making me a hard worker and I took my first job at the Age of 14 in a Factory in Germany. My days were slammed packed from morning to night and I guess that is where my ability to work seemingly endless hours and working through huge work loads comes from. I would get up in the morning, go to school, get off school have a quick snack and get ready for work. Work my 6 hours and go home. Do my chores, eat some dinner and than do my homework and studying. Usually I would get about 4 hours of sleep on a good night. Repeat the next day. My paychecks? Well those weren't mine completely either. Once I started earning money it was my responsibility to chip into the household as well. 80% of my income went to her and I started being responsible for my own clothing, my transportation, and anything I needed school related. Yes she taught me from early on that living was expensive and that once you took care of all the things that needed to be financially taken care off you seldom had anything left for extras or fun. It wasn't that bad so since most of the time I was too exhausted to want to do anything but read or sleep anyways on my days off. Funny really if I think back on it. At age 14 I had learned the basic lessons in life so many adults these days have a hard time understanding.
The curse came much later in life when I entered my two marriages. In the first marriage it was so easy to take advantage of me. I had already learned to be a provider and it was just natural for me to do so for my family. I didn't even question it anymore. Since I knew how much it hurt to never have anything you want I wanted to make sure those I loved never would go without if I could help it. I had a really big target on my back and trust me it was used.
In my second marriage (the one I am in now) this not being able to ask for anything caused a lot of issues. It really annoyed the hell out of my husband and still does to this very day when I revert to it from time to time. I won't think twice spending money on those I love and I am generous to a fault. I have the hardest time spending money on something frivolous for myself or to make demands when I feel that the person really doesn't want to do it. I can naturally, but it takes a lot of will power for me to do so at times.
My husband now never refused me anything if he could afford to give it to me. The standing rule in our home is: "If you want something and we have it - get it. You don't have to ask first!" Of course that is easier said than done, because I do not have a debit card to his account neither has he one to mine. All money is ours, but by doing it this way we never overdraw each others accounts by accident. Which means that if I don't have the cash on me or accessible and he does I still have to ask for it. LOL...back to square one.
You should have seen some of the arguments we had because of this. Not too long ago (maybe a few months back) I needed a new pair of glasses since my old ones were already almost 7 years old. I had a really lean time in my businesses during that time and than my glasses broke on top of it. I had no choice but to get a new pair. My husband not knowing what I had in my account kept telling me to stop messing around and go get the new prescription and glasses already. Now this was something I needed, but for some reason I just couldn't get myself to have to ask for the money for them. I was barely making enough to pay my portion of the bills and buy the groceries that month. Finally I got so angry at getting fussed at constantly that I just about screamed at him that if I had the money for it I would get the fucking glasses, but since I didn't I guess it just had to wait. I think if my husband would have been the sort of man to hit a woman (which he thankfully isn't) he would have dearly loved to deck me. "Why didn't you just tell me you needed money?" he asked me with a look of disgust and total annoyance on his face. Well the thing is my prescription is high and I need a certain type of lens, which means my glasses even with the cheapest frames and on discounts will run me at least $200. My husband makes a decent income, but we live in Las Vegas, which means by the time he is done paying his part of the bills he barely has anything left over for what he wants. I am more than aware of that. I tried to tell him that and to my ears it sounded perfectly reasonable. To him it sounded as if I was telling him he couldn't or didn't want to provide for my needs. I had hit him square into his masculine ego and yes insulted him as a good man. OUch....
He ended up taking the money out of our emergency savings account (for when either one of us can't meet the bills that month or for any emergencies which may come up) and took me to the optical store. Since he is in control of this by our agreement and with that I see it as "his money" of course I made things worst. Can you guess what popped out of my mouth? "Thanks for loaning me the money, I'll pay you back as soon as I can." I didn't mean anything bad by it, but it sure sounded horrible.
The thing is that I know from my own experience that those who love you and care about you want you to be happy. They don't mind spending money on something you want if they can afford to do so. Actually sometimes it is nice for someone to give you the chance to make them smile with something little.
There is nothing wrong with asking for something you want. Of course it depends on how you ask for it too. If you are a complete bitch about it and demand it as if it is your due, I think that is a problem in a relationship. Unless of course it is a fetish based relationship in which this is a turn on for the person you make the demand of. In a normal love relationship so, there is not place for something like that. If you act all the time as if it is due you and you can't even get your teeth apart to show your appreciation or say thank you, you really shouldn't get anything either after a while. There is nothing worst than an ungrateful bitch with a cunt attitude. At least to me. But asking nicely and making it clear that you do understand if the person can't give it to you is different to me.
Of course in my situation there is another sad little side product of this. Since I have such a hard time asking for anything and if I know for sure it is something the other person can do and says they will but than just doesn't it hurts me. If that happens repeatedly I give up asking them for anything. I know have to assume they don't want to do it or don't think I deserve to have it. I won't remind them of it either. I will remember it so and crawl back into my shell.
Take this as a reminder if you have a wife or a husband who has a hard time asking you for anything or seldom asks you for anything special or even little. If you love him or her and they do actually get their teeth apart and trust you with a wish, make sure you do it for him or her. That is the only way they are going to learn that it is ok to ask you for anything and that you do want them to have it. If you can't afford it, just tell them honestly and get it for them when you can. Don't forget about it so. They won't ask you again later, so you have to actually care enough to remember it. Those of us who do have that problem for whatever reason really depend on those that love them to watch out for them.
I can guarantee you so that they will never take you or anything you do for them or give to them for granted. They will remember your love, kindness and what they see as generosity for the a very long time. Belief me it will come back to you tenfold to the point that you will wonder how you ever got so lucky.
Moving forward. Over the years this lesson in not ever asking for anything I want and only asking for what I need was reinforced and deepened by her. I learned that if you couldn't provide for yourself you had no right to ask for anything extra. If you wanted something extra you should be able to do it yourself or not have it at all. I never went without the things I needed, there was always food for me to eat, a roof over my head and clothe on my body. I always had schooling and a decent bed to sleep in. So no I was not being neglected or abused. She was just as much a "victim" of her up bringing since that is what she had been taught as a child. She simply passed it on. Remember that times were a lot harder when she was a child and she had lived through the WW2 era as well. When you read what I wrote it would be easy to feel anger, but you have to take it in perspective. She didn't mean to be cruel, she simply didn't know any better.
In many ways it was a blessing and a curse for me so. The blessing came in making me a hard worker and I took my first job at the Age of 14 in a Factory in Germany. My days were slammed packed from morning to night and I guess that is where my ability to work seemingly endless hours and working through huge work loads comes from. I would get up in the morning, go to school, get off school have a quick snack and get ready for work. Work my 6 hours and go home. Do my chores, eat some dinner and than do my homework and studying. Usually I would get about 4 hours of sleep on a good night. Repeat the next day. My paychecks? Well those weren't mine completely either. Once I started earning money it was my responsibility to chip into the household as well. 80% of my income went to her and I started being responsible for my own clothing, my transportation, and anything I needed school related. Yes she taught me from early on that living was expensive and that once you took care of all the things that needed to be financially taken care off you seldom had anything left for extras or fun. It wasn't that bad so since most of the time I was too exhausted to want to do anything but read or sleep anyways on my days off. Funny really if I think back on it. At age 14 I had learned the basic lessons in life so many adults these days have a hard time understanding.
The curse came much later in life when I entered my two marriages. In the first marriage it was so easy to take advantage of me. I had already learned to be a provider and it was just natural for me to do so for my family. I didn't even question it anymore. Since I knew how much it hurt to never have anything you want I wanted to make sure those I loved never would go without if I could help it. I had a really big target on my back and trust me it was used.
In my second marriage (the one I am in now) this not being able to ask for anything caused a lot of issues. It really annoyed the hell out of my husband and still does to this very day when I revert to it from time to time. I won't think twice spending money on those I love and I am generous to a fault. I have the hardest time spending money on something frivolous for myself or to make demands when I feel that the person really doesn't want to do it. I can naturally, but it takes a lot of will power for me to do so at times.
My husband now never refused me anything if he could afford to give it to me. The standing rule in our home is: "If you want something and we have it - get it. You don't have to ask first!" Of course that is easier said than done, because I do not have a debit card to his account neither has he one to mine. All money is ours, but by doing it this way we never overdraw each others accounts by accident. Which means that if I don't have the cash on me or accessible and he does I still have to ask for it. LOL...back to square one.
You should have seen some of the arguments we had because of this. Not too long ago (maybe a few months back) I needed a new pair of glasses since my old ones were already almost 7 years old. I had a really lean time in my businesses during that time and than my glasses broke on top of it. I had no choice but to get a new pair. My husband not knowing what I had in my account kept telling me to stop messing around and go get the new prescription and glasses already. Now this was something I needed, but for some reason I just couldn't get myself to have to ask for the money for them. I was barely making enough to pay my portion of the bills and buy the groceries that month. Finally I got so angry at getting fussed at constantly that I just about screamed at him that if I had the money for it I would get the fucking glasses, but since I didn't I guess it just had to wait. I think if my husband would have been the sort of man to hit a woman (which he thankfully isn't) he would have dearly loved to deck me. "Why didn't you just tell me you needed money?" he asked me with a look of disgust and total annoyance on his face. Well the thing is my prescription is high and I need a certain type of lens, which means my glasses even with the cheapest frames and on discounts will run me at least $200. My husband makes a decent income, but we live in Las Vegas, which means by the time he is done paying his part of the bills he barely has anything left over for what he wants. I am more than aware of that. I tried to tell him that and to my ears it sounded perfectly reasonable. To him it sounded as if I was telling him he couldn't or didn't want to provide for my needs. I had hit him square into his masculine ego and yes insulted him as a good man. OUch....
He ended up taking the money out of our emergency savings account (for when either one of us can't meet the bills that month or for any emergencies which may come up) and took me to the optical store. Since he is in control of this by our agreement and with that I see it as "his money" of course I made things worst. Can you guess what popped out of my mouth? "Thanks for loaning me the money, I'll pay you back as soon as I can." I didn't mean anything bad by it, but it sure sounded horrible.
The thing is that I know from my own experience that those who love you and care about you want you to be happy. They don't mind spending money on something you want if they can afford to do so. Actually sometimes it is nice for someone to give you the chance to make them smile with something little.
There is nothing wrong with asking for something you want. Of course it depends on how you ask for it too. If you are a complete bitch about it and demand it as if it is your due, I think that is a problem in a relationship. Unless of course it is a fetish based relationship in which this is a turn on for the person you make the demand of. In a normal love relationship so, there is not place for something like that. If you act all the time as if it is due you and you can't even get your teeth apart to show your appreciation or say thank you, you really shouldn't get anything either after a while. There is nothing worst than an ungrateful bitch with a cunt attitude. At least to me. But asking nicely and making it clear that you do understand if the person can't give it to you is different to me.
Of course in my situation there is another sad little side product of this. Since I have such a hard time asking for anything and if I know for sure it is something the other person can do and says they will but than just doesn't it hurts me. If that happens repeatedly I give up asking them for anything. I know have to assume they don't want to do it or don't think I deserve to have it. I won't remind them of it either. I will remember it so and crawl back into my shell.
Take this as a reminder if you have a wife or a husband who has a hard time asking you for anything or seldom asks you for anything special or even little. If you love him or her and they do actually get their teeth apart and trust you with a wish, make sure you do it for him or her. That is the only way they are going to learn that it is ok to ask you for anything and that you do want them to have it. If you can't afford it, just tell them honestly and get it for them when you can. Don't forget about it so. They won't ask you again later, so you have to actually care enough to remember it. Those of us who do have that problem for whatever reason really depend on those that love them to watch out for them.
I can guarantee you so that they will never take you or anything you do for them or give to them for granted. They will remember your love, kindness and what they see as generosity for the a very long time. Belief me it will come back to you tenfold to the point that you will wonder how you ever got so lucky.
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