Gentle thoughts of love

I have spoken about this in the past multiple times but it still seems to be one of those things that are hard to learn for most of us. When we think of love, we think of the love we hold for others in our life. We strive for deeply satisfying relationships and wonder why we don't achieve them most of the time. The problem really doesn't lay with those around us, it is something we our self are causing to be honest.

Before you start throwing stones at me allow me to give you the reasons behind this little statement.

• When we are purely focused on everyone else we let our self go. We don't take care of our body, our mind or our spirit. We become co-dependent on everyone elses approval and self-worth. This is not only unattractive to most normal people, but it can be extremely suffocating to those who are in a relationship with us. Yes, everyone wants to feel important to their partner, but unless you are a narcissistic personality who thinks that only their opinion, interests and desires matter this can be overwhelming.
• If we don't love our self we attract very negative and abusive people into our life. Since we are giving the vibe of "I am not worth" a lot out to the universe, those who get off on being negative and abusive will be the once who come to you. Try to avoid that please!
• By loving yourself you will be able to evolve since the focus of your being is to be the best you can be.
• It will make you a much happier person and someone who is secure in themselves. That is always sexy!

Now of course I am not talking about loving yourself to the exclusion of everything else. Just like all things in life you need to have a bit of balance here. If you are becoming a narcissistic asshole or bitch, you just went over the line as well. Nobody likes being around someone like that for long.

Remember that loving yourself simply means you are ok with being by yourself from time to time. Are happy with who you have become and are willing to put the effort you need to be the best you can be into yourself. You realize that you are important and have worth without it being depend on anyone else. A very healthy mindset.

If you come from a place of love, you attract love. If you think love means that everything is always easy and that those you love have to cowtow down to you all the time, never speak their mind, or that you never have to put any effort into anything I wish you luck. I am sure that can happen in a perfect world from time to time, but for most of us that won't be the case.

Love comes in many shades and forms. To me something worth having is worth all the effort I put in to keep it sweet. Trust me at least one person will have to make the effort and if it isn't you then it is your partner. The only difference is that if you are really in love with someone it won't feel like you are putting effort in. You will be happy to do it so it becomes simply a natural thing to do. Now looking at it that way, I wonder how many of us are that fortunate.

The same goes for loving yourself. If you truly love yourself putting some effort into yourself won't be so hard. It will feel like the natural thing to do.

What do you think about this statement?
Have a nice day.

Regina S.

I get that a lot lately, that really hard to swallow feeling that I am talking to a wall and I might as well do so, since there is nothing coming back at me.

See the whole point of a conversation is to interact with one another. To voice a thought, make a statement, ask a question, and than it is answered with someone else's thought, opinion etc. This goes on for a while like that until both sides feel the topic has been now exhausted. Simple concept right? Wrong, apparently, since as of late there is no conversation of any kind happening.

Now in me at least it causes a serious feeling of frustration and at times even bordering on anger. Bordering, because I won't allow it to go there. I see constantly living in anger as a big waste of time and energy. Yes folks we can control how we feel! Maybe not all the time, but most of the time we can process through unwanted emotional bursts in record time and dismiss them.

What makes it hard is that lately it seems as if it isn't just in my home, but pretty much with everyone I encounter. Now I am not saying that nobody is talking to me, far from it. Matter of fact I have plenty of people trying to talk to me, it just seems that unless it is about what they want to talk about, the conversations comes to a stand still.

My blogs get plenty of views for as new as they are, and I am grateful to those of you who are tweeting them for me. Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. I would love to see some comments so too. See to me that is the point of writing a blog, to share information and thoughts with one another.

I share my experiences and opinions openly so you in turn can feel comfortable enough to do the same with yours. That is how we all learn from each other, but that back and forth sharing.

My beloved Dragon (chuckles I am talking about my hubby here) is so completely stuck in "gun land" lately that there is no conversation almost that doesn't include something about guns of some sort. Hell this morning when I finally got up the first thing out of his mouth to me was all about Gun Ranges he was checking out. Now I know that my honey is a one track minded individual and I really wish at times I could be more of the same, but he is also obsessive as hell when it comes to his interests. Something that makes it really hard to swallow. I wanted to tell him "And a good morning, I love you too!", but swallowed it quickly. That would simply cause an unnecessary argument and for him to clam down for the next 4 Days. Not something I want to deal with and honestly really not necessary either. He isn't realizing that he is doing something "wrong" by being this single minded about nothing but HIS interests.

Now I did tell him (he probably would call it nag him instead - seems when women say something we are always nagging) that I really would appreciate more support and some interest in my writing. So stoic dear man that he is actually sat through 45 min. of me talking about my goals, plans and dreams for my books I am selling (while having his mind somewhere else the entire time I might add. Yup I can see the shutters coming down sweetie). Stoic, because not a single damn word came out of his mouth even so I gave him plenty of opportunities to chimn in and give me his thoughts and suggestions. Hells bells that is why I was talking to him (or more at him it seems) about it. If I just wanted to talk about my writing without getting any thoughts back I could have just blogged it out for crying out loud.

The problem is that I value his opinion highly and it is my hope for him to share in my interests from time to time. That is what he wants from me. Well long story short, as soon as I changed the subject back to guns you couldn't shut him up.

Guess that takes me full circle. All about feeling as if I am talking to a Wall. Not a pleasant feeling and if I wasn't so secure in who I am now that I am much older it would have resulted in what it would have done many years ago when my kids were still little and I was still married to my first husband. I would be giving up right now. It is really hard to stay strong, when there is so little interest and support from those you love when it comes to something you are passionate about. Maybe it is because I am a woman, or maybe it is because I love him so much, but his strength and support in more than just allowing me the time I need to write is necessary for me to continue on doing it in a twisted way. Sometimes I think our spouses or loved ones really don't know just how important they are to us and how much their support means to us. Especially when we realize (and I do realize it) that they really don't share our dream.

I do have to give him at least one credit, I will never just give a bad example. He did actually listen to me read one article to him yesterday which I wrote for http://theopionatedwriter.com but of course it was about a subject he feels passionate about as well. Regardless so at least he did listen to it and ended up giving me a one sentence (holy cow a full sentence that is epic for him) response. "That about sums it up!"

Now my question to you my dearest readers is the following:

Do you ever feel like you are talking to a wall, either in your own personal life or when writing a blog and nobody responds to it? How do you deal with it?

Thank you for reading.

Holding on to things that can not be changed only harms one person and that is you. Some people are unable to forgive a mistake, a hurt, a bad situation or carelessly spoken word. We hold on to the pain we feel as if our life depended on it. Ironically in many ways it does depend on it, only we are going about it backwards. When you can not forgive (and I didn't say forget the lesson you learned from it or even blindly trust that person again) you are holding yourself back from the potential of growth and being your personal best.

Not only are we holding on to the mistakes of others so, oftentimes we can't forgive ourselves either. It is almost as if we are saying: "I don't deserve to be forgiven. If I forgive myself the person I have hurt my think I am not really sorry about this and will hate me or make me suffer more. I am supposed to be perfect and I wasn't! I simply can't forgive myself or I may do it again!"

Do you see just how foolish that really is?

• Nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes from time to time. Most of the time those who can't forgive them-selves are the ones that didn't mean to cause pain to begin with. They did it by accident, because they were hurting them-selves and didn't think about what they said or did, or because they didn't even know that it would hurt someone. Trust me those that hurt you on purpose have no feeling of regret period, because they did it to hurt you to begin with.
• Yes there are some things that are not forgivable. I am sorry but I don't consider murder a crime that should or can be forgiven by us. I can however not dwell on it and try to move on. A cheating spouse may be forgiven once, but I would not forgive it repeatedly. To be honest I am not even sure I would forgive it the first time unless I caused it myself to begin with. You can only push a person so far. Yet in general all deserve forgiveness. I am not going to beat myself up for the rest of my life, because I laughed at something stupid that I should not have laughed about. Because I said something wrong, because I wasn't thinking. Because I forgot something when my mind was so overworked already. I am human and so are you. I will make mistakes and I will probably make them pretty often without meaning to.
• If the person you hurt can not forgive you or accept your apology if you truly meant it and are working hard to show you won't do it again, than perhaps he or she is not worth the pain you are putting yourself through either. Have you ever considered that if you are being held in mental slavery just to give someone the upper hand over you that they are committing the greater wrong? Forgive yourself, learn from your mistake, don't do it again and if they still can't forgive you, maybe it is time to move on.
• There is a big difference between saying "I am sorry" and showing that you are sorry. You show you are sorry, by yes stating it and than trying really hard never to do it again. Not by constantly beating yourself up over it. Let me tell you from experience that some people can hold a grudge for a very long time and that they won't let you live a mistake down easily. That is their problem,  not yours. They are the ones that have to live with the choice to remain miserable and distrusting. In some cases it isn't even a choice for them, they just never learned to get over things reasonably easy. In the end they are missing out on the opportunities to make the bond stronger. You can't change that for them. You are only in control of your own actions.

As I said forgiveness isn't the same as forgetting. They say forgive and forget, but to be honest is it almost impossible depending on what it was to begin with to forget certain things. The real choice it to move past it and if it is brought up again (either verbally or in your mind) to push it away and put it back to sleep. You already done it, you can't undo it now. You can't unsay something you said. It doesn't work that way.

You do have to make a decision if you can remain where you are at and move on or not. I mentioned cheating above and sadly in most relationships that happens at least once. So far I am extremely lucky in my current marriage that to the best of my knowledge my husband has never cheated on me and I know that I have never cheated on him. I know neither of us is perfect, but I don't need that either. I am lucky that I have found a good man this time around (I wasn't so fortunate the times before) and belief me I made some huge mistakes in the past (which I haven't for many years now) and took what others told me or what I perceived as signs that he was cheating one me and accused him of it. A lesser man would have said:"Fine bitch if you accuse me off it anyways I might as well do it." As I said to the best of my knowledge he was more honorable than that and I am grateful for this.

In my last marriage however I was not so fortunate and my husband was a cheater. Both emotionally as well as physically. I took it for a long time because my situation was one in which I could not just leave. I had children to consider. Yet the consequences were dire regardless. I distant myself emotionally from him and whatever "love" I thought I had for him died out and actually turned to hatred instead.  Did I forgive him? Yes now I have, but I would never trust him again.

Sadly of course that was what originally caused my "seeing signs" and listening to those who simply love to cause problems. Gratefully I know have learned by watching, getting to know and seeing proof that my honey now deserves to be trusted and can be trusted. He hasn't let me down yet. I am going to continue to beat myself up about having made those mistakes until I learned differently? No. Will I allow it to be put into my face or used as a way to keep me quiet when something does look wrong? No. But instead of accusing, I will state it as what it is. Just a ungentlemanly behavior or a misbehavior by a woman. I know he won't follow through on it. He would earlier leave me and go to her for good than cheat on me.

My current husband and I have a completely different way of saying things. That is partially because we are a different gender, from a different upbringing, have a different personality and of course we originate from  different countries as well.  He is born in America where I was born and raised in Germany until I was 18 years old. So belief if or not no matter how good I speak English there is often still a small language barrier, because I take some words a lot more extreme in meaning than he would. I don't always get a meaning if he says it in what I call "half finished sentences".

We both have said some horrible things to each other in the past, either out of anger, because we didn't realize what it would sound like to the other, or maybe because we weren't thinking past our own needs period. I hope he has forgiven me by now for them, but I don't know that for sure of course. I know I forgave him and I learned from it too.

I learned that when I do say something and I see a reaction that looks as if he could possibly have misunderstood what I was tyring to say, I correct it immediately. With other words I tell him: "I don't think you understood me correctly, let me try it this way." and rephrase it, or try to give him a "not about us" example to demonstrate my point. Likewise I try not to take what he says so hard anymore, try to find his unique brand of humor (which I don't always recognize at first), or make him aware that I am really hurt by what I just understood and repeat it back to him in my own words. Now he has the option to correct me or to show me the reason behind his statement. That works our really well as long both our hearts and lines of communication are open and engaged. Some days his mind is somewhere else and they won't be, most days so it works pretty good. I think (you noticed I said think, not know) that we both finally learned to look past our past mistakes and try to judge the other on the here and now instead. We both (yes both) still had a lot of growing up to do in some areas of our life and belief it or not that is a fact for all of us. It is nobodies fault and just the way it is. Remember that we always think of ourselves as mature, but that is not always true. We won't see just how immature we really were in something until we have grown past that stage and can now honestly look back and admit we weren't at our best.

Instead of pointing fingers at the other one or ones and blame them for it so, it is really much more realistic to look at it in ourselves. No matter what the reason behind it may have been, no matter who started it, we had a choice to stop - take a real look and break the cycle (which doesn't always mean depart, but open the lines of communication), or to give tit for tat. Which sadly as long as we are in an immature state of mind or a very hurt state of mind, we are going to automatically do. It's part of life. Once we have moved past it so, we need to take at least some of the responsibility and be willing to forgive both parties.

Forgiving yourself or others doesn't mean having things remain the same, it just means that you understand you made a mistake and are ready to grow from it now. It means you are taking the energy you would be wasting on feeling angry and using it in a much more positive way. You'd be surprised how much further you get once you do that and just how many positive changes come out of it.

Sometimes forgive is not possible right away and that is understandable too, but you should try to strive for it as soon as possible.

When I grew up I was raised to never ask for anything I wanted, matter of fact to do so had some pretty nasty consequences most of the time. I remember being about 5 years old and asking my foster mother for a candybar in a store. Instead of just telling me "no", she decided to very loudly ask me if I really needed this or if I only wanted it. Of course I was raised to tell the truth as well and so I responded that no I didn't really need it but I really wanted it. This earned me a scowling and a reminder that I would get what I needed but shouldn't bother her with things I wanted. Tears were not an option either (evenso they were very close to the front) since that would have made her look bad. For some reason this old woman (yes she was older - sixty years older than me as a fact) never seemed to realize that the tears wouldn't have made a difference. She made herself look bad by her public drama and behavior.

Moving forward. Over the years this lesson in not ever asking for anything I want and only asking for what I need was reinforced and deepened by her. I learned that if you couldn't provide for yourself you had no right to ask for anything extra. If you wanted something extra you should be able to do it yourself or not have it at all. I never went without the things I needed, there was always food for me to eat, a roof over my head and clothe on my body. I always had schooling and a decent bed to sleep in. So no I was not being neglected or abused. She was just as much a "victim" of her up bringing since that is what she had been taught as a child. She simply passed it on. Remember that times were a lot harder when she was a child and she had lived through the WW2 era as well. When you read what I wrote it would be easy to feel anger, but you have to take it in perspective. She didn't mean to be cruel, she simply didn't know any better.

In many ways it was a blessing and a curse for me so. The blessing came in making me a hard worker and I took my first job at the Age of 14 in a Factory in Germany. My days were slammed packed from morning to night and I guess that is where my ability to work seemingly endless hours and working through huge work loads comes from. I would get up in the morning, go to school, get off school have a quick snack and get ready for work. Work my 6 hours and go home. Do my chores, eat some dinner and than do my homework and studying. Usually I would get about 4 hours of sleep on a good night. Repeat the next day. My paychecks? Well those weren't mine completely either. Once I started earning money it was my responsibility to chip into the household as well. 80% of my income went to her and I started being responsible for my own clothing, my transportation, and anything I needed school related.  Yes she taught me from early on that living was expensive and that once you took care of all the things that needed to be financially taken care off you seldom had anything left for extras or fun. It wasn't that bad so since most of the time I was too exhausted to want to do anything but read or sleep anyways on my days off. Funny really if I think back on it. At age 14 I had learned the basic lessons in life so many adults these days have a hard time understanding.

The curse came much later in life when I entered my two marriages. In the first marriage it was so easy to take advantage of me. I had already learned to be a provider and it was just natural for me to do so for my family. I didn't even question it anymore. Since I knew how much it hurt to never have anything you want I wanted to make sure those I loved never would go without if I could help it. I had a really big target on my back and trust me it was used.
In my second marriage (the one I am in now) this not being able to ask for anything caused a lot of issues. It really annoyed the hell out of my husband and still does to this very day when I revert to it from time to time. I won't think twice spending money on those I love and I am generous to a fault. I have the hardest time spending money on something frivolous for myself or to make demands when I feel that the person really doesn't want to do it. I can naturally, but it takes a lot of will power for me to do so at times.

My husband now never refused me anything if he could afford to give it to me. The standing rule in our home is: "If you want something and we have it - get it. You don't have to ask first!" Of course that is easier said than done, because I do not have a debit card to his account neither has he one to mine. All money is ours, but by doing it this way we never overdraw each others accounts by accident. Which means that if I don't have the cash on me or accessible and he does I still have to ask for it. LOL...back to square one.

You should have seen some of the arguments we had because of this. Not too long ago (maybe a few months back) I needed a new pair of glasses since my old ones were already almost 7 years old. I had a really lean time in my businesses during that time and than my glasses broke on top of it. I had no choice but to get a new pair. My husband not knowing what I had in my account kept telling me to stop messing around and go get the new prescription and glasses already. Now this was something I needed, but for some reason I just couldn't get myself to have to ask for the money for them. I was barely making enough to pay my portion of the bills and buy the groceries that month. Finally I got so angry at getting fussed at constantly that I just about screamed at him that if I had the money for it I would get the fucking glasses, but since I didn't I guess it just had to wait. I think if my husband would have been the sort of man to hit a woman (which he thankfully isn't) he would have dearly loved to deck me. "Why didn't you just tell me you needed money?" he asked me with a look of disgust and total annoyance on his face. Well the thing is my prescription is high and I need a certain type of lens, which means my glasses even with the cheapest frames and on discounts will run me at least $200. My husband makes a decent income, but we live in Las Vegas, which means by the time he is done paying his part of the bills he barely has anything left over for what he wants. I am more than aware of that. I tried to tell him that and to my ears it sounded perfectly reasonable. To him it sounded as if I was telling him he couldn't or didn't want to provide for my needs. I had hit him square into his masculine ego and yes insulted him as a good man. OUch....

He ended up taking the money out of our emergency savings account (for when either one of us can't meet the bills that month or for any emergencies which may come up) and took me to the optical store. Since he is in control of this by our agreement and with that I see it as "his money" of course I made things worst. Can you guess what popped out of my mouth? "Thanks for loaning me the money, I'll pay you back as soon as I can." I didn't mean anything bad by it, but it sure sounded horrible.

The thing is that I know from my own experience that those who love you and care about you want you to be happy. They don't mind spending money on something you want if they can afford to do so. Actually sometimes it is nice for someone to give you the chance to make them smile with something little.

There is nothing wrong with asking for something you want. Of course it depends on how you ask for it too. If you are a complete bitch about it and demand it as if it is your due, I think that is a problem in a relationship.  Unless of course it is a fetish based relationship in which this is a turn on for the person you make the demand of. In a normal love relationship so, there is not place for something like that. If you act all the time as if it is due you and you can't even get your teeth apart to show your appreciation or say thank you, you really shouldn't get anything either after a while. There is nothing worst than an ungrateful bitch with a cunt attitude. At least to me. But asking nicely and making it clear that you do understand if the person can't give it to you is different to me.

Of course in my situation there is another sad little side product of this. Since I have such a hard time asking for anything and if I know for sure it is something the other person can do and says they will but than just doesn't it hurts me. If that happens repeatedly I give up asking them for anything. I know have to assume they don't want to do it or don't think I deserve to have it. I won't remind them of it either. I will remember it so and crawl back into my shell.

Take this as a reminder if you have a wife or a husband who has a hard time asking you for anything or seldom asks you for anything special or even little. If you love him or her and they do actually get their teeth apart and trust you with a wish, make sure you do it for him or her. That is the only way they are going to learn that it is ok to ask you for anything and that you do want them to have it. If you can't afford it, just tell them honestly and get it for them when you can. Don't forget about it so. They won't ask you again later, so you have to actually care enough to remember it. Those of us who do have that problem for whatever reason really depend on those that love them to watch out for them.

I can guarantee you so that they will never take you or anything you do for them or give to them for granted. They will remember your love, kindness and what they see as generosity for the a very long time. Belief me it will come back to you tenfold to the point that you will wonder how you ever got so lucky.